Do I Really Want To Be A Writer?

On the eve of our live-blogging-a-story event, I'm reminded of a conversation that Rish and I had a while back.  He has been working on publishing his stories on Smashwords and Amazon, but he was a little despondent about his lack of success and wondering if it was a completely fruitless exercise.  I went on Dean Wesley Smith's blog and found his post about making a living publishing only short fiction.  Rish read it, and scoffed at the things that DWS had to say as per usual, but still some things jumped out.  Rish spoke about some particularly harsh words that Smith had for people like me:

Please don’t give me your pitiful excuses about having to research or think about your story or build character worksheets or rewrite your story a dozen times to make your story dull and boring and just like everyone else’s story. And please don’t talk to me about how your day job is 60 hours. I have heard all the excuses and am not interested in why you can’t dig out one hour a day average out of your life. If you can’t do that much, stop claiming you want to be a writer. At least to me. Thanks!

Hearing these words made me stop and think.  Do I really want to be a writer?  I keep claiming that I do, but I can't even carve out one measly hour to spend on it each day.  Is this really my dream?  Or is it  just B.S. that I spout because it sounds good on a show?

What Smith says is that if it's really something somebody means to do; not just wants to do, but means to do; then that person will do what it takes to do it.  Those that don't will never achieve it, and should cut the shit and admit it.  I think it's time to do this thing.  Tomorrow, I'll start that whole live blogging deal, but when I finish, I'm not finished.  I gotta keep writing.

I'm going to start wandering off on what might seem like a tangent, and when I finish, I guess we'll see if it really was.  On Facebook last week, I found out that Jay Lake died.  I was never a big fan of Jay Lake, sometimes his stories appealed to me other times they didn't, but I was aware of him, and I have even quoted, more than once, a thing that he said about what he had done to become a writer.

He once said on his blog (I think) that he had given up being a consumer.  He figured that every minute being a consumer was a minute not being used to be a producer.  He had decided to be a producer of fiction content instead of a consumer.  So, he didn't watch TV.  He didn't watch movies.  He used his time to work on his fiction.  I'm guessing that he did still read books, because that seems like an important part of being a producer of fiction, but beyond that, he was a producer.

Maybe he made that decision because he had cancer, and was faced with the idea that he only had a very finite number of minutes left in his life.  When it comes down to it, we all only have a finite number of minutes remaining, but most of us don't have something like a disease eating us away from the inside to continually remind us of the fact.  Most of us don't "Live like we were dying," as the old country song says, because we don't realize that we are dying, we are all dying, sooner or later.

Also, on Facebook, I saw that Eugie Foster is continuing her battle with cancer as well.  I know even less about Eugie Foster than I do about Jay Lake.  I have enjoyed her stories when I've read them or heard them on Escape Pod, Podcastle and the like.  I hope she is able to conquer her cancer, and live on long and happy.  I bet, each time she gets an idea for a story, she has a certain urge to write that can be traced back to that onus over her head.  The fact that she understands much better than most how life is finite and short.

Now, coming around for the tangent to intersect back with the main line.  I wrote a post a few weeks back about having gone to a physical, and discovering that I had a condition called pitting edema.  This is a symptom that most commonly indicates that the person who has it has some sort of heart disease going on.  It's not always heart disease.  It could be liver or kidney related too.  But it's probably not just nothing.

I saw my doctor, who prescribed me some pills and told me I should see a cardiologist.  I saw a cardiologist, who told me I needed to get a test and some lab work.  Tomorrow, I go first thing in the morning for that test and lab work.  It's been something like a month since I found out there was an issue, and I may finally be getting an idea of just what the issue is.

But, whatever the issue is, it reminds me that life is finite and short.  Who knows how many minutes, weeks, months or years I have left in my life?  I don't, and neither does anyone else.  But I do know that there's only so many of them.  When the doctor asked me if I had a history of heart disease in my family, I told him about my grandfather who died of a heart attack at 41 years of age.  Only a year and a half older than I am now.  It could be very short indeed.

I've said that writing is a cool occupation, because unlike most other occupations, it doesn't really matter when you start it.  It's not like acting, where if you don't start young, you'll not likely be anything but a character actor.  It's not like sports, where if you don't start young, your body will be unable to withstand the rigors of the job.  You could be as old as you want when you start writing.  As long as you don't have early onset Alzheimer's, then you should be fine.

But if you wait too long, you just might be dead.

Man, this has turned out to be a really morbid bit of blogging.  But I can't help it.  It's where my mind is right now.  Maybe after the test has gone through, I'll have news that will make me less prone to dwell on the worst.  Or maybe not.  We'll see.

But for now, I'm going to take this whole thing, and make it as positive as I can.  I'm going to spend a little more time with my kids and my wife each day.  I'm going to hug them a little tighter and closer.  I'm going to treasure every moment that I have with them.

And, on a different but related note, I'm going to write.

Available

Rish put a post about this up on the main Dunesteef blog, but I thought I ought to mention it here too.  I don't always not write it turns out. On occasion I do...write that is.  Proof of that is available on Amazon.com right now.

A few years ago, Rish and I got together and collaborated on a short story.  It's the only time we've done something like that (although we did collaborate on a screenplay--or radio play--called "The Spirit of Christmas" that we used as our Christmas episode one year, but that doesn't count, so don't mention it).  It was quite a difficult process, but we managed to get a finished story out of it in the end, and I think it's a pretty good one.

So, if you've got a Kindle or one of those devices like unto it that can read stories from Amazon.com, both Rish and I would think it was really cool of you if you went over, bought the story, and read it.  You could give us a review too, that would be neat as well.

The story's a really long one, too, so it should be worth your money.  Something like 11,000 words, or, according to Amazon, 52 pages.  That's a novelette, therefore.

Hope you like it.

Live Blogging A Story

This was an idea that Rish and I had a while ago, maybe as much as four months ago. "Let's both write a story, and each day, as we write it, we post it on our blogs." Except, at the time, Rish was right in the middle of a story (that he would later lose the notebook it was written on), and he wanted to finish it up first before moving on to the next one.

 "We'll do it some time soon," we said.  When he finished his story, something came up, and then something else.  Pretty soon it was a forgotten thing.

Sometime in April, we recorded an episode of That Gets My Goat, and somehow we brought this idea up while we were talking.

"Is it safe to say," Rish asked as we recorded, "That by the time this episode comes out, we'll have done this live blogging a story thing?"

"Oh, yeah," I said with my usual groundless confidence, "We'll do it soon."

That episode of TGMG was what is known as in the biz an evergreen episode, meaning that it had no event that its release needed to coincide with.  It could be released at any time.  It was always green.  I went home, pulled the file off my Zoom, and sent it to Rish, and promptly forgot that it ever existed at all.

Fast forward a few months, and Rish was looking for an easy edit, a TGMG episode that he could bust out really fast, so he could get back to the responsibilities and deadlines that were breathing down his neck.  He looked at the episode we'd recorded that night, and figured we couldn't have talked for more than 15 minutes about that particular subject, so it should do nicely.

It turned out to be a full hour of us gabbing, and it wasn't until the 58th minute that we started talking about that live blogging thing.  After spending all the time it took to edit the episode, Rish was loathe to set it aside and edit a different one.  So, now, it turns out we've gotta do this thing that we've talked about at last.  Until we do, we can't release another TGMG.

So, what does that mean?  It means you, loyal reader, are in for a treat (or a trick?).  Rish and I will, starting Monday, be writing stories live on the blog.  Each day, however many words we managed to write will get posted on the blog for anyone to read.  And we will keep going until we are done.

As per what I said on that long ago recorded episode of TGMG, I will be writing a story about family who has a child whose dreams somehow manifest in the real world, and the ramifications of such a circumstance.

The story will be called "Fireflies", and was inspired by the song with the same name by Owl City.  However, it will not be anything like an Owl City song.  It'll be more like a B.D. Anklevich story.  Rish Outfield may be the only one out there who really knows what a statement like that means, because he's the only one who has read very many of my stories.  So, most of you won't know until it comes to an end what I'm talking about, but my plans for this story are 100% classic B.D. Anklevich material.

I hope there's somebody out there who is excited to hear about this other than just Rish and I. I think, based on comments I've heard from people in the past, that there are.  I also hope that I am able to do a good job with this story, and live up to, nay exceed any expectations you might have.  Perhaps, if this works out well, maybe I'll do it again.  Hell, maybe I'll just publish everything I write this way.  Who knows?

Tulips

There was a tulip festival that my wife and I went to the other day. Anyone want to see some of the pics I took? You know what, I don't care, I'm going to inflict them on you whether you like it or not.

I like tulips. I like turtles too.

Courtesy MTSOfan

Pitting Edema

So, I was supposed to do a weigh-in last Friday, and I didn't...and then I was supposed to do a weigh-in yesterday, and I also didn't. It's mostly me being a cry baby, and I guess I probably owe everyone who has been on this health adventure with me an explanation. So, here it goes.

The other day, I had to get a physical. One of the things that they did as part of my physical was check my legs. They did this test where they pressed their thumbs into my flesh, and then watched to see if it sprung back out to where it was supposed to. Well, it didn't. They pressed their thumbs in, and instead, a pit remained in my flesh. So, this health care professional (I know that's a cheesy, PC sounding term, but I figured I'd use it since I really don't know if this person was a doctor or a nurse or what) told me that I had a condition called pitting edema. I had no idea what that meant, so they showed me what was going on, and invited me to look it up. This person wasn't my doctor, and so they told me I should see my doctor to find out why I had this condition, because it's not really a disease so much as a symptom, like a cough or watery eyes or something. It could be caused by any number of things.

So, of course, I immediately became depressed, and started into my typical downward spiral of unhealthy eating. I felt like I was on my way to death, and that I needed to live it up while I could, so I ate and drank everything that I love, even though it's very unhealthy. I've surely gained 10-15 lbs. in the past week and a half. Feeling sorry for myself always does that for me.

Eventually, I also made a doctor's appointment to find out what is causing this pitting edema crap. That's on Monday. I'm sure all it will be is a quick consultation with a doctor where he listens to my story, looks at my pitting edema, and then orders a bunch of tests, so I doubt I'll have an answer about it very soon. But eventually, I'll find something out, and I'll fill you all in when that time comes.

I have to admit, I'm kind of excited for the answer. I've had this problem on and off for a few years now, and this is the first time that I've had a decent idea of what might be going on. My feet hurt when they get swollen like they are, and it hurts especially in my ankles. For a while I thought I might have some kind of arthritis problem, and I saw my doctor trying to discover if that was the case. It wasn't, and eventually, with rest and time, it went away, but it's back, and I need to find out why, so I can get myself in order.

I'm worried that I might not be able to make it for my marathon goal I have this year. I haven't run since I was told about the pitting edema thing, which has surely taken my fitness level back a month or more (not to mention the pounds I gained). And I don't know when I'll be able to get back at it. Although I probably wouldn't be able to do anything anyway, because right about the same time I was told of the pitting edema thing, I also seemed to have pulled the muscle in the arch of my right foot. It hurts like a beeeeotch, and I have a hard enough time walking much less running. It's not healing quickly either, so who knows when I'll be up and running again.

Anyway, I've decided to give up on the weight contest for the nonce (one of those fun phrases I was reminded of by reading A Song of Ice and Fire). I may get back to it soon or late, who knows. It seems like it's kind of stalled anyway. Marshal, Tena, and I seemed to be the only ones who were bothering with it, and Tena is now pregnant. So, with me out too, there's no one but Marshal to keep at it. So, good luck, Marshal. I'll be back someday soon, hopefully.

And thanks to everyone who went on the journey with me. I guess I'll have to post about something different from here on out.

Hmm...maybe I should do some kind of writing thing...that doesn't involve a lot of strenuous exercise.

Hmmmm...

Collecting Something New

As if I wasn't a nerd enough before, now I'm developing an obsession for collecting Pez dispensers.

Ah well, at least they're cheaper by far than the other toys I've collected.

Weigh-in Day #12

Okay, I am determined to get this post out on time this week. So, I'm going to plunge ahead, damn the consequences...okay, that's not true. But I will find the time. Here it goes.

Let's see...last week, I was in a bit of a flux.  I was trying to implement my new eating program, and failing miserably at it.  But I was also starting to kick my exercising up to full blast.  On Friday of last week, I weighed this:

And that was me sort of holding steady, despite eating badly and too much.  From Friday through Tuesday this trend continued.  I had made the resolution to get back to it with fervor by Monday, but we hadn't done any grocery shopping, so when Monday came, I had nothing to eat.  Instead, I wound up eating fast food and other unhealthy choices.

My wife shopped, and at last I was able to put together some healthy meals.  But I didn't get started on that until Wednesday.  So, my weight for this week reflects only a small amount of what I hope will be in store with me from here on out.

I ran five days last week out of seven, fulfilling my exercise goals.  As I've said before on this blog, I've gotta get going on training for the marathon, or else I won't be ready by the time it arrives.  I started making a marathon training video, like the videos that I did for my quest to 500 miles, and that inspired me to keep at it.  When I can add new shots to the movie each day, that's fun and interesting, and keeps me motivated.  For anyone who is having trouble with motivation, I'd recommend that.  Everyone loves inspiring videos of people losing weight and achieving goals.

In fact, here's a preview of my movie.  It's the first bit that I've worked on.  Only about thirty seconds, and the movie may change considerably before I'm done, but check it out and tell me what you think.

So, now on to the point.  My weigh-in.  So, with a week of good exercise, and two days of good eating, here's what I weighed this morning:

So, that's down 2.2 lbs.  It is encouraging, since I only ate like I was supposed to for two days this week.  If I can assemble seven days, what might I have to look forward to then?  Hmmm...

Okay, so how is everyone else doing?  Most everyone seemed to be stalled like I was.  Tena? Did you break the 140 barrier?  Marshal?  Are you back on track?  Going back down where you should be?  What are you doing for your weight loss program? Anyone else still out there and trying?