Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Broken Mirror Shards - Dr. Claw (Day 3)

Okay, it looks like Bria Burton has joined the fray too.  So, here's a link to her blog.  Her story is called Little Angel Helper.

Then there's Rish's story.  Here's the link to his blog.  His story is as yet untitled.

My story is Dr. Claw.  This is day 3 of Dr. Claw.  It's up to 2,750 words now.  Probably about halfway there.  Here's more:


Brody was at Mulvaney’s with his friend Tena.  He wished she was more than his friend, because she was gorgeous, especially since she’d gone on a diet a few months ago and lost the weight that was starting to make her soft in all the wrong places.  Sadly, she was married, and even happily so.  So, it didn’t matter how many times he invited her out to dinner at Mulvaney’s, she was never going to look at him as anything but a friend.  Maybe things would change some day.  A guy could hope, right?
Brody had ordered the griddled mahi mahi, and Tena had the Pumpkin Foieffle.  They’d both been excellent, and when the check came, Brody didn’t even glance at the steep price he’d paid for this meal.  He simply slipped his card into the slot, and let the waiter take it away to run it for him.  He put his chin in his hands, and listened as Tena told him about the exploits of her two rugrats.  He wasn’t really paying attention to her words, but he did like to watch her pretty lips make them.  Damn, he wished he’d won the lottery five years ago when Tena was still available.  She might have looked at him as something more than just a troubled slacker if he’d had a bit of cash and could take her out to dinners at nice places like this.
The waiter was back with his card, “I’m sorry, sir,” she said, “this card was denied.  Do you have a different one you’d like us to run instead?”
“What?” Brody said, thunderstruck.  He had won the lottery.  His card was never denied.  “That’s not right.”
He pulled out his wallet, and looked mindlessly at its contents.  How could he be denied?  He had plenty of money, didn’t he?
“Oh no, Brody, do you need me to get this?” Tena asked.
“No. No, um,” he looked numbly at his wallet for a while longer, realizing that he had no cash on him, and the Visa Checkcard that he used for everything having been denied left him without options.  He didn’t want to let Tena pay.  The last thing he needed for her to have to pay and have her old opinion of him brought to the forefront and reinforced.  Her pretty lips would never touch his if that happened.  But he had no other option.  Did they let people wash dishes to pay off their meal?
“Um,” he stammered, then finally, smiling sheepishly, “Yeah, I guess I do need you to get this.  I don’t know what’s going on.  I’ll pay you back when I figure out why my card was denied.”
Tena grabbed the folder with the check in it, glanced at the price, and her eyes widened slightly.  Brody sagged further in his chair.  This was an expensive place, and Brody had just dumped the big bill in her lap.  The worst kind of heel.  Tena slipped her Visa out of the wallet in her purse, and handed it to the waiter.
Outside afterward, Tena seemed distracted.  For the last eight months, each time Brody took his old friend out to dinner, she would kiss him airily on each cheek when they separated to go to their respective cars.  Today, there was no such show of casual affection.  She simply said goodbye, and hopped into her Prius and drove off.  It only served to further deflate Brody’s spirit, which had already taken a crushing blow with the denial of his card.
He had to hurry home, and find out just what exactly had happened.



4 comments:

  1. I'm enjoying both your story and Rish's. It's fun to see the different directions taken with the premise. I have my whole story outlined, and I think it might end up kinda long, not sure how long yet. But I'm really glad I jumped in, this is a great way to get a story written.

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  2. You're braver than I, Bria. Since I'm not done with my story, I don't dare read yours of Rish's. I think that if I did, I would either unconsciously rip them off in my story, or I would see that your story is better, and realize that I should just quit writing mine. So, to make sure I actually finish, I won't read.

    As an example, the other day, Rish and I got together, and he mentioned his story in the most general terms. Listening to this made me think that my story was just like his, and I probably should just quit. Luckily I didn't, but I felt like doing it, just from that.

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    1. Just reading yours now. I don't see any parallels at all yet (between our two stories), aside from the obvious claw machine.

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  3. Catching up on the blog and the writing, happy that you decided to continue this!

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