Friday, July 16, 2010

New Story

For the heck of it, I thought I'd post my newest story that I just finished. I'm only going to leave it up for a short time (like a week or so) then I'll take it down. I figure that's a small enough release that I could still send it off to a bunch of websites and claim that it's never been published in any sort of wide release.

Feel free to offer constructive criticism on the story. I think I mentioned in another post that I was focusing on not infodumping in this story. So, tell me how successful I was. Did I still infodump? Or did I leave you in the dark too much about just what was going on in the story. Also, feel free to comment on any other aspect of the story that you feel deserves mentioning. I want to become a better writer, and the only way to do so is to know just what it is that I need to improve. Just remember when commenting that I'm a real person not some sort of celebrity who is used to withering diatribes nor some AI that makes the internet go without involving people with feelings. Thanks.


Okay, time's up. I've now taken the story down. Thanks for the comments, those of you who gave them. If you read it, and still want to comment, you may. I'll leave the post up here for that purpose. Thanks again.


  1. You definitely did not infodump. If I were to have one suggestion, it would be to not make the condition they're looking for something as familiar to us as autism. The idea that in the future we would have to be selective in which children we allowed parents to keep because of something that a huge number of children were born with makes for a great premise, but somehow it bothered me just a little that the thing they were born with was autism. I don't know, it's not a big deal.

    I really, really liked the story otherwise, though! I'm a big fan of this particular sub-genre, which I associate with Children of Men and, more recently, Ten With a Flag. Futures where there are these cruel, unfair rules, possibly even for a good reason, but you can't help but root for the character that's trying to buck them.

    Anyway, good stuff! Hope you get it published/podcasted somewhere, and that you keep on putting out more stuff like this!

  2. I liked it, but sort of agree with choosing your own disease instead of using a known one. There is nothing specific about autism (that I know about) that makes it the only choice for you to use.

    I do sort of wonder why the wife stayed with the husband at the end of the story. Clearly she wants a child, but to me it seems she really wouldn't want one with that man anymore. If there is a social or governmental reason why she couldn't leave, maybe include that? I like the ending, but want a bit more background on why it's the way it is.

    And it was not too info-dumppy. A good amount, I think. Good job, over all.

  3. Good job, Big. I think this would be exciting in audio. A couple minor points.

    Any purpose behind an exact time like 4:20? Was it a reference to Hitler's birthday, the police code for pot, or just a randomly chosen time? It felt specific.

    I think the last line "South America sounds nice this time of year" should be changed sounds->sounded.