Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Integrity

A few posts back, I told you about my diet/weight loss goal for the rest of the year. I also told you about my cheat day. At the time I wrote that post, the cheating was a recent thing, but since that day, the cheating hasn't stopped. I've gone into a tailspin, eating whatever the hell I want, and now my exercise has been slipping as well. Since the snow hit, it's just been too cold to go out running in the morning

I don't know if the rest of you get this way when you get like this, but I've been really depressed recently. It's kind of a spiraling thing. I cheated, so I feel bad that I didn't live up to my promise, even if it was only a promise to myself. Being depressed makes me eat emotionally, further breaking that promise, so I feel worse, and eat even more emotionally, and so on.

It works the same way with writing too, I think. I don't write, and I feel bad, so I want to be comforted, so I watch TV or surf the internet, and I feel even worse for not writing, and it goes on forever.

So, I've been reading this book on weight loss, and it talks a lot about self-image and integrity. To succeed, I have to change the way I look at myself. I can't think of myself as a weak-willed fat guy. I need to instead think of myself as who I want to be, like a determined athlete-in-training or something. Because after all, if I am faced with a choice of eating the pizza and drinking the soda or not, if I'm a weak-willed fat guy, I'll eat the pizza, but if I'm an athlete-in-training, I'll probably make a different decision.

The integrity thing is important too. I can develop a great deal of self-confidence if I simply work on my integrity. Each time I live up to a promise I make, my integrity grows. If I mess up, I re-commit, and fulfill my promises. In time (so says the book's author), I'll be someone with a great deal of confidence and a whole new attitude.

So, I'm working on changing my self-image and developing some integrity. Hopefully, it'll help keep me from getting depressed and spiraling downwards. For starters, you'll never hear me refer to myself as an aspiring writer or a wanna-be writer or anything else like that. Nor will I call myself a fat guy or anything like that. I am Big Anklevich, writer and marathon runner-in-training. Hear me roar.

4 comments:

  1. I know the cycle well. It is a fact that I am overweight, weighing considerably more than you were at your highest. I have been successfull at losing weight in the past, but here I sit, back in this unhealthy state. I have almost given up trying, but I want to live a long time and be with my family, and write, and podcast, and see Star Wars XXIII. I need to dig deeper and find the integrity of which you speak. Lead On, Big Anklevich. Lead On.

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  2. Talk yourself into taking a brisk walk rather than a run. You can bundle up and do a mile without it feeling like the huge ordeal of running. And sometimes when you're already out there, it isn't quite as cold as you thought and you can walk 2 miles.

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  3. I'd also see if you can find a work out and/or writing buddy. That way you aren't just letting yourself down if you cheat, you are letting a friend down as well. I tired this with a understanding yet demanding ex marine buddy of mine. The thought of not showing up for a run with him was enough to get my ass out of bed.

    Best of luck, and please keep venting on the blog, your friends are here to help. :)

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  4. I hope the fact that you said it out loud (aka wrote it on your public blog) helps, too. That way people can encourage you and say, yes. You are a marathon runner-in-training. In fact, I started thinking that this coming year I will do another marathon. There's a trail marathon in November about an hour and half from us in this gorgeous nature park that my husband has said he would do with me if I ever do it (he hates road races, but loves trail runs). So I think I'm finally taking him up on the offer. My last one was in 2010. I've been signing up for halfs and other distances since then, which has helped me keep in shape, but it also makes me believe I can do a full again. Even though I swore (both times) never again. And there is something about having someone to run the races with. You can commiserate together. So I concur with the above advice. Get a running (accountability) buddy. And get them to sign up for X race with you. That way you can both remind each other why (oh, God, why??) you are out in the freezing cold treading through slush. Slow and steady. And just keep moving. I'm now convinced that really is the trick. And don't beat yourself up too much about cheating. Running will physically beat you up plenty.

    Good luck!

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