Cockroach Cluster

Last night, my wife woke up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Her movement jostled me out of sleep as well, so I was semi-awake when she called to me. She couldn't go to the bathroom, because there was a cockroach on the way to the toilet. She needed me to kill it so she could get past it (apparently it's as fierce as the black knight on Monty Python and the Holy Grail).

So, I dragged my carcass out of bed, grabbed a shoe, and put an end to that cockroach. I went to the toilet to grab some toilet paper to grab the body of the bug with, so I could dispose of it (I can't bear to touch a cockroach with my bare hands, those things are perhaps the foulest of all God's creatures). Next to the toilet, I saw another cockroach. I quickly crushed the life out of it with the shoe as well.

"Jeez, it's a party in here," I said to my wife as I unrolled some toilet paper to grab the disgusting roaches with and throw them out. I picked up the first one that I'd killed, but when I went for the second one, I noticed something was wrong with it. It didn't look quite the same as the first one. It was a little off.

Turns out, the second one was part of a prank that my wife and son were trying to play on me, and the prank had been spoiled by the first one...the legitimate one. See, this is the second cockroach that I smashed with my shoe:

I wasn't afraid to pick that one up with my hand, because it's made of plastic. My wife and son had been out at the store, and found this bag full of fake cockroaches, and decided to buy it, to see how much they could freak us all out.

It worked pretty well. Little put one of them in his sister's bed, and she screamed and ran out of her room when she saw it.

It worked for me too, because I went right after it and smashed it. I don't suffer cockroaches to live, however. They get no mercy from me. So, I don't run from them, because that gives them a chance to hide. So, the reaction you get from me isn't as funny as the one he got from his sister.

Unfortunately, he's left these fake bugs all over the house. Everywhere I go, there's another one on the floor.

Sadly, it gets me every time. Not for long, because I know about the fake ones, but as soon as I see it, I get that jolt in my guts, that twist of revulsion, and that spike of adrenaline as the fight or flight response kicks in. Usually, the sight of a cockroach means it's time to fight.

I'm going to have to gather those things up, and put them away, because I'm getting pretty tired of seeing them around the house. Maybe Little can take them to school or something. They'll like them there, I'm sure.

At the very least, he needs to put them away for a while, and let people forget about them before he puts more out again. I just don't want to get used to assuming that cockroaches are fake, and find myself walking away from a real one mistakenly. This isn't funny. Cockroaches are serious business. They're just too gross to play around with.